Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
