I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize