I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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