ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
