My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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