I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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