hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
