There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
