Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
