Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
