She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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