Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
