Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
