I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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