sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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