I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize