I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
