no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
