I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
