I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize