$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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