Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
