I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize