I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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