i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i think i have two assholes
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
