I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize