you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
