I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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