You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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