I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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