you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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