As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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