dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
