You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
