White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
