I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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