u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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