I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
