I accidentally had phone sex last night
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
