i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
