There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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