Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Two words: blizzard sex
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
