I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
