i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
