I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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