Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
