Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
