Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize