Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
