And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
