I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
