I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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