I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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