I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
