I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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