I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
