hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
