the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
