Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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