i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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