It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
