You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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