I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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