this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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