the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
